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‘Loud Pipes Save Lives’ Activist Permanently Damages Vital Sense Needed For Survival

TOPEKA KANSAS -- Ian Rodriguez, a strong believer that loud motorcycle exhausts save lives, was recently told by doctors that his hearing -- a key sense humans have used since the dawn of time for their own survival -- was irreversibly damaged. He had no idea what they were saying, though.

“Can you repeat the question?!,” Ian yelled. “I didn’t hear you.” Ian has been riding with an aftermarket exhaust (baffle removed) for many years now so that cars, trucks, police officers, neighboring countries, and Elon in space could all hear him approaching.

“People say I’m just doing it for attention,” Ian yelled. “And they’re right. I want everyone within a mile radius to feel their chest vibrate every time I blip the throttle. After all, I always put safety first.” Ian -- who frequently triples the speed limit, doesn’t own gear, rides home from the bar, and attempts to make ‘ballin’ TikTok videos while riding -- wanted it to be clear that safety was always his first consideration when making any decision.

“You can never be too careful out there,” Ian yelled. “Lately, I’ve almost walked in front of several buses, a garbage truck, a jet on the taxiway, and onto a gun range. I think with all this electric-vehicle stuff, things are just getting harder to hear.”

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