CEMEX, the largest manufacturer of cinder blocks in the world, announced this morning that their new cinder block helmet has met DOT safety standards. “DOT standards have been around for decades and have changed very little since their original draft… which was based heavily on data from helmetless car crash victims,” said Clint Brock, Chief Marketing Officer at CEMEX. “That’s how you know it’s the gold standard in motorcycle safety.” The new helmet, named the CBv1, passed with flying colors. These results came as a surprise to many considering a toddler can reduce a cinder block to rubble with a single blow from a hammer.
“Get this, DOT let us pick and choose which parts of the helmet are used for impact testing,” Clint said. “So a little reinforcing here; a little ignoring the failed attempts there; you’ve got yourself a DOT product!” Early users of the new helmet were a little concerned about the lack of protection everywhere except the top of their head, but not DOT. “Everyone knows that motorcycle accidents conclude with the rider falling directly on top of their head and coming to an immediate stop -- think of a dart hitting the bullseye,” said a spokesperson for DOT. “So we feel no need to test things like padding, visors, chin bars, and other strictly cosmetic parts of a helmet.”
The CBv1 will come in a gray colorway and be accessible to the public by Christmas. We asked DOT’s competition about the new product. While Snell thought it was reasonable, ECE had this to say:
“We suspect these cinder blocks will do more damage tied to the heads of motorcyclists than they ever did tied around the feet of mob victims.”