A local motorcyclist has found himself at the center of a party where – against all odds – every guest knows someone who has died gruesomely in a motorcycle wreck. “I knew I should have said fishing when I was asked what I enjoy doing,” said Cory Martin, the motorcycle enthusiast. “Instead I mentioned my motorcycle and before I could even finish my sentence I was swarmed by strangers rattling off dead people like it was the first season of Game of Thrones.” Despite his best attempts to change the subject and move on, Cory was forced to swallow story after story about how dangerous motorcycling is from a variety of people who don’t know what a clutch is. “My lover… I mean coworker’s sister’s baby-daddy got hit by a double-decker bus so I think it’s horribly irresponsible for someone with a family to indulge in such an activity,” said Lucy Barringer, a barely-functioning alcoholic currently working on a DUI hat trick.
“That’s nothing, someone from my WoW Guild was hit by a Jackalope on his motorcycle… You only have one body so I don’t see why you’d put yours at risk like that,” said Augustus Gloop, a morbidly obese unsuccessful streamer working on a heart-attack Hat Trick. “As a trained nurse with a nursing degree, you can trust me, a professional nurse, when I say that I wOUlD NeVEr let my boyfriend get on a motorcycle, and I don’t understand how someone can not appreciate the life they’ve been given to such a degree,” said Rachel Dix, a social media addict living vicariously through strangers’ Instagram accounts and working on an anxiety-disorder hat trick.
After sitting through story after story, Cory did eventually decide motorcycling was too dangerous and walk away from the stress-relieving, adventure-making, life-fulfilling, community-building, youthful-joy-reviving lifestyle for good.
“I’ve decided it’s time to grow up and move on to more socially-acceptable ways to lose control, crash, and die.”