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‘We Can’t Wait To Unlock 35% Of A Battery’s Full Potential,' Harley Announces An All-Electric Future

Harley Davidson’s CEO recently announced that the company would soon be going all-electric in an effort to horrendously underutilize the powertrain of the future.

“As a hip and totally on fleek company, we realize that gasoline is so not HIM,” said Jochen Zeitz, CEO of H.D. “And since you only YOLO, we have decided to take what we’ve learned from a century of bastardizing the combustion engine… ok boomer… and apply it to the powertrain of the future: batteries are bae.”

The company also announced that they will be moving their research and development person (singular) from figuring out the best location on an Electra Glide to put a tow hook, to more pressing issues. “I’ve been tasked with figuring out how to take everything the auto industry has learned about electric powertrains and their nearly endless potential… and then cut off all that extra fat until I’m left with about 35% of that potential,” said the entire R&D department. “That and they have me experimenting with playing cards to see which makes electric motorcycles sound most like a ‘real motorcycle’ when attached to the bike’s spokes.”

Harley has utilized the 35-percent-potential rule for all of their products but points to its flagship product – apparel – as the shining beacon of this business model.

“Why focus on long-sleeve shirts when you could just make tank tops?” said Jochen. “Now you have 35% of an actual piece of clothing. You take the remaining 65% that you didn’t use on the actual product and tack it onto the 100% price you’re already charging. Wham, bam, right in the clam, now you’ve got 35% of a product being charged at 165% of the price.”

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