top of page

Triumph Daytona Fans Eagerly Await Triumph’s New Sportbike So They Can B*tch About It

Triumph has announced that it will join other manufacturers in contributing to the hottest category of motorcycles: ‘Sportbikes-that-are-plenty-sporty-but-individuals-will-complain- because-they-won’t-have-30-extra-horsepower-to-mask-their-lack-of-riding-ability’ – a move that has Triumph Daytona fans super excited.

“The Yamaha fans have the R7, Suzuki fans have the GSX-8R, Honda fans have had the entire modern Fireblade lineup… It’s about time we Daytona 675 fans have a motorcycle to hate simply because it’s not identical to the previous bike that nobody purchased.”

This was an official statement from the Daytonas Against Future Triumphs (D.A.F.T.) Discord Group – who spend most days rewatching Yammie Noob videos and talking about optimal tire pressures for whenever they maybe might do a track day.

“Look if they called it the DaytoNOT 660, we wouldn’t have issues. But it’s blasphemous to use the Daytona name with that engine. The real Daytona didn’t just have a triple, it was the holy trinity of engines whereas the 660 is more like the Three Stooges.”

Triumph plagiarized the reasoning behind this new motorcycle from the Japanese manufacturers, stating: “This is a modern motorcycle designed for the modern motorcyclist.”

We asked our on-staff marketing gibberish translator to translate this announcement into regular English and it came out as:

“Look, you little sh*ts didn’t buy our old 600s because they got 100 MPC (Mile Per Chiropractor Visit) and you voted for rich morons who think we should be on Euro 9 yesterday so that their vacation ski lodges in the Swiss Alps have extra powder this year. Plus, you’re just going to use it as a mobile TikTok stage anyway, so here’s our mediocre effort to match your mediocre riding ability.”

bottom of page