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“That’s Not Going Anywhere,” Says Man After Strapping Down Motorcycle To Take It Somewhere

A local motorcyclist is in hot water after lying about his intentions by saying “that ain’t going anywhere” immediately after strapping down his motorcycle with the plan to drive it across the country. “I want to apologize to my family, friends, and my motorcycle for deceiving them,” Barry Gordon, the motorcyclist. “I especially want to apologize to my motorcycle’s front forks for compressing the hell out of them. I mean, have you seen how tight that strap is?! No ratchet here, son. That’s sheer man strength. Which again, I’m very sorry about.” Barry isn’t the only one guilty of this. A study found that 10 out of 10 male motorcyclists have committed this same act of deception. “It’s a condition we call ‘Tiedownitis’”, said Sandra Rhodes. “Those diagnosed are unable to resist the urge to say it while violently pushing and pulling the bike’s handlebars.”

This isn’t the first time Barry has been diagnosed with an illness that causes him to do something he regrets.

“Last year I came down with a bad case of the why-push-when-I-can-just-ride-it-up-the-ramparrhea,” Barry said. “Barely survived that one.”

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