Early this morning, regulators announced that they’re just going to skip Euro 6 through 9 and go straight to Euro 10 emission standards -- an exciting move for those who care about the environment and hate all things fun.
“We’ve nicknamed these particular restrictions Euro X, because it will cross out all the things you love about motorcycles,” said Ben U. Dover, Project Lead for the Euro 10 standards.
The new standards include creative new ways to cut emissions besides just smothering your bike into submission.
“We aren’t asking for much, just that manufacturers install a sensor on the motorcycle’s seat to detect if the rider farts,” Ben said. “If methane is detected in said fart, the bike must then cut power for a few seconds to compensate.”
Euro 10 will also crack down on noise emissions.
“Everyone knows trees have sensitive ears,” Ben said. “That’s why we’ve banned cheap helmets that whistle if you exceed 30 mph… which you can no longer do anyway due to noise tires make on pavement.”
With these new tweaks, regulators have made it clear that they want to save the earth by making motorcycling so unappealing that people will just get a car instead.
“I’m not going to say I’m a hero, but what I do is certainly heroic,” Ben said. “I take pride in forcing the rest of the world to pat my back along with me.”