A delinquent going by the codename “Previous Owner” has been named Public Enemy One by multiple nations after dropping nearly every used motorcycle on the market.
“This is a public menace like we’ve never seen before,” said Jason Lineman of the FBI. “You can’t go on any used bike marketplace without seeing this criminal’s handiwork. Scratched fairings here. Busted blinkers there. Some crime scenes even had engine case scratches drawn over with a Sharpie marker. We’re dealing with a real monster here.”
Unfortunately, pinpointing the Previous Owner’s whereabouts has been nearly impossible for law enforcement.
“Inexplicably, this criminal is able to rapidly traverse the entire planet… as if they’re some kind of evil Santa Clause or something,” Lineman said. “But instead of bringing gifts to children, this ‘Saint’ nicks the bikes of innocent, responsible motorcycle owners.”
Authorities have determined that most of the property damage takes place in the victim’s own driveway. In addition to this information, police have also picked up on a specific profile that all the victims seem to match.
“All the victims were self-proclaimed ‘good riders’ who ‘never ride hard’,” Lineman said. “They also, reportedly, spend every waking moment of their lives ‘meticulously maintaining’ their motorcycle. They all seem to ‘know what they’ve got so no low balls’. Finally, not a single victim has had the mental fortitude to use ‘showroom condition’ correctly in a sentence.”
Law enforcement around the world (except London) has vowed to increase efforts to put an end to this bike theft and destruction.
“We will not sleep until we’ve caught this Previous Owner,” Lineman said. “Then motorcyclists all over the world can start taking the blame for the sh*t they clearly did themselves.”