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London Police Celebrate Ignoring Their One Millionth Stolen Motorcycle Report

Updated: Nov 17, 2021

LONDON, ENGLAND -- Cheers erupt as the chief of the London Police Department, James Brown, puts the one millionth stolen motorcycle report through the paper shredder.

“This is truly a proud day for us,” James said. “I just want to thank our fine officers, our reliable paper shredder, and the swarms of bike thieves in our great city who have made this all possible.”

The city of London averages close to 30 stolen motorcycles and mopeds per day, making it a nearly impossible task to ignore 100 percent of all cases.

“Look, if it were easy, every city across the world would be doing it,” James said. “We’re fortunate to have access to our specialized W.A.N.K.E.R.S. (Will Actively Neglect or Kill Every Report Seen) unit. This highly-trained unit is the best at what they do and it shows.”

Not everyone shares the police department’s enthusiasm about this achievement.

“Some of our citizens were concerned to find out we’ve been putting their stolen bike reports through the paper shredder,” James said. “I want to address those people right here and now by saying, don’t you worry… we’re recycling the shredded bits.”

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