Timmy Young – a 16-year-old motorcyclist and the proud, legal owner of a Suzuki Hayabusa – has a lot to be grateful for this Thanksgiving.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve such a kind, considerate Big Brother in the U.S. government, but I can’t thank it enough,” Timmy said. “As a new rider who failed his motorcycle safety course, I can feel 100% safe on my 600-pound missile of a motorcycle knowing that the all-knowing beings we pay tax dollars to have figured out that 200mph-capable motorcycles are only dangerous when paired with lane filtering.”

Lane filtering (or lane splitting) is a practice that allows motorcyclists to slowly navigate traffic so that they can avoid being surrounded on all four sides by 3-ton vehicles operated by people texting.

“It’s barbaric behavior that every other nation, and those traitors in California, should be ashamed of allowing,” said one representative in the U.S. government. “For the sake of our citizens, it’s vital that we stay stubborn and hold true to what we believe in: The imperial system. I mean guns. I mean illegal lane filtering.”

As one of the few countries that have practically no age or experience restrictions on motorcycle ownership, some critics say that American lawmakers are being irresponsible.

“That’s just ridiculous,” said the U.S. representative. “It’s obvious that kids become responsible adults at 16 or 15 with a permit and can operate any vehicle they’d like. Unless they’re renting a car, then they can’t be trusted with a Chevy Malibu until they’re 20. Operating a helicopter in war is cool at 18, though. Just don’t buy that war vet a beer until they’re 21, amiright?! Not sure why this is so hard for some to follow.”

Timmy is just happy to feel a 190mph breeze across his face for the first time… literally.

“Did I mention I live in Iowa where there’s no helmet laws?”